I carry a lot of guilt from the accident. Even the category on here makes me feel guilty. “My accident”. It wasn’t just my accident after all, was it? It was Martin and my accident. The feelings of guilt do not go away. They do not reduce. The therapy for the PTSD reduces the flashbacks, but I don’t know if the guilt is even ‘treatable’.
Simply being alive makes me feel guilty. My bones are healing. I will get better. Why did I survive, and why did Martin not? How is it that one person can live through a crash, albeit with broken bones, and one not? I feel guilty for bemoaning having the ex fix on still. Better to have this than be taken from us. I see posts from people who miss Martin, for his children who have lost their dad, and I feel guilty for being the one who survived. The “why” will never be answered. It is an unanswerable question.
I feel guilty for being so self indulgent as to write this blog post, but I have to get this written down. I think I want readers to understand that I have the feelings of guilt. I struggle with the fact that it was me who was with Martin, a friend who had only started to get to know him. It feels unfair on the many, many people who loved him. Did the fact that I was on the bike contribute to the accident? I don’t know, but it is in my mind that it did. That’s another unanswerable question.
I’m sorry for writing this down, but I hope readers understand why I have.
One thought on “Blog 10 – Guilt”
The guilt thing is all around – I’m feeling guilty now for not having read and responded to your last few posts earlier! From what I’ve read, ‘survivor guilt’ is a normal part of the process even for those of us who are just bereaved, but the fact that it’s normal doesn’t necessarily make it any less painful. You know that I wouldn’t have wished any of this physical and psychological trauma on you (if only we could re-wind time), but you also know that I’m glad you were there for Martin in his last moments and that you’ve been able to tell us what happened (for the record, I have much more faith in your version of events that the statement we heard at the inquest.) I guess even if we had the answers to all our ‘why’ questions, it wouldn’t change where we are now, My personal philosphy is that it’s just shit but now we have to get on with it. Not terribly sophisticated as philosophies go, but it’s getting me through these dark days! I hope you can find a route through it too. With lots of love and positive thoughts for your continued recovery,